Once you train yourself to spot the self-absorbed, instead of tolerating their antics, you develop an instant allergy. Recently I met someone who in the course of two hours gave me information about his/her life in detail: siblings, jobs, how he/she met the great love (now embroiled in a divorce), children, parents’ occupation, work-out habits, etc. After 2 hours I could probably fill in a detailed questionnaire. Yet this person got up from the table and knew very little about me simply because he/she didn’t ask. I’m not saying what I have to say is riveting or worth learning about. But there are two sins of communication: hogging all the airtime, or blatant omission, both which have to do with balance.
Increasingly, I have little patience for “only I matter” behavior. I despise being asked questions as a courtesy gesture, just to give the appearance of interest, or an intentional segue into another topic they want to talk about:
“I love your shoes. Where did you get them?” “Clarks.” “Ooh Clarks, that’s a British chain. Oh my God, did I tell you about when I was in London…”Away it goes 40 minutes about a statue near Gower Square or Tube rides, but never a query “Have you been to London?” or “Do you like London?” If this happens a little in a conversation, its normal. If it happens more than once, its hijacking an audience under the guise of dialogue, but its an oration. There is no genuine interest in the other person’s feelings, opinion or experience.
Talking too much has a twin of saying too little. Deliberately leaving out information so that people have a different image about who you are or what you are doing is equally impaired. Not to mention creepy. I mean we all embellish or edit to look good. That’s normal, but if it can lead to unnecessary pain then — sorry to be heavy-handed, but IT IS — unethical.
Take people who have romantic hopes, they need the complete picture to decide how to expend their energy. Do I invest in someone willing and available, or do I look for someone else? These are important questions answered only with accurate depictions of reality. If someone makes the point that they are flying solo, but essentially travelling to far-flung places to team up with another, its not an honest representation. Flying solo connotes availability, meeting up with someone else does not.
What is more important to the Omitter is the image of availability (which coincidentally keeps someone interested), not the impact of faulty data. Bad decisions, such as pursuing a relationship with someone truly unavailable, means inevitably someone will get hurt. Who needs more hurt?
That’s why I am proud of the fact I am running away a lot earlier from the meglomaniac. This week I turned down drinks and refused to take someone’s call with the zillionth excuse for not showing up. It doesn’t matter if they are talented, entertaining, good-looking, intelligent, or have a host of desirable qualities — or even skills I desperately need right now. Brilliant minds aren’t worth the time invested in a glass of wine if paired with an aversion to the truth. What do you get? More insightful ways to be evasive? And the chatterbox, why do I have to be reduced to the equivalent of furniture so you can feel special? Ditto the handy-man with a laissez-faire sense of letting me know what he can do and when. If you are not considerate, what are you, actually?
Once you start to see a pattern, or signals that flash “SELFish, SELFish,” it will only end up good for them because they fundamentally do not care about you — your time, your heart, your feelings. NO! Person who talks nonstop about yourself, I’m not interested in knowing you, talking to you, working with you. And NO! Omitter, I am not interested in your life because one can’t tell if its a page from a mystery or fantasy novel when I want poetry… or at least a phone call letting me know your schedule so I can adjust mine.
These kind of communicators are energy vampires. You are just a means to letting them fulfill their needs, and their needs alone, most of it involves power-tripping. Learning to recognize the signals, and walk away, preserves one’s balance, and self-esteem. Or so I am learning.
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